i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
