i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
zippers are such a cool invention
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
