I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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