Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm having to shit out rocks
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
