i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
