Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Drake has all the answers
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
