he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
