It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
