Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize