PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Michael Bay diarrhea
you traded sex for a burrito?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize