i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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