I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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