So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
