if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
