Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
