All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize