Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
