Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
