Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
