Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
