The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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