i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I think pants incapable of making pants work
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize