I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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