I got chris browned last night
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
