Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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