The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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