Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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