I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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