Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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