Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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