Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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