During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
