i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
