Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
