No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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