MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
