wrigley field is MILF paradise
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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