Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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