I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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