Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
