The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
