The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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