Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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