Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
