i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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