Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
