i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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