i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
