Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
