I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
