your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
