my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
