I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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