I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
