If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
