I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
