my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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