Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
